Day 21

In 6 hours, it will be three weeks since we set the wheels of this journey in motion. I got a longer letter today, which started out with "hate mail", but then moved on to 8 pages that ranged over a wide ground. He described how depressed and miserable he is, and how he feels that the facility is only making it worse, calling it "fueled depression"...he opened up about things he'd denied in the past, such as his recent drug dealing and small thefts from his father's wallet...he described a suicide attempt he made in 6th grade, when he took a "handful" of Tylenol and was surprised when he woke up feeling awful instead of being dead.

It was a generally a very hopeless letter, but it did contain glimmers of him beginning to take some responsibility for his actions.

He also sent a letter to his father today, detailing all the ways he felt that his father has failed him. While not profane or vitriolic, it was extremely painful to read. Hopefully it will be the beginning of their rebuilding their relationship. At the end of that letter, he asked his father to ask me to send books. That's tough, as his reading material is restricted to classics and self-help books, and his tastes run to Steven King. He specifically requested the Dexter books, which I think are definitely off limits, as I'm pretty sure that books about serial killers won't pass their test. So-- a question to anyone who may be reading this. Any suggestions for "clean" books that a 16 year old boy might enjoy?

Day 20

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about whether or not this was inevitable. While I'm convinced that having reached this point, sending him away was our best chance of helping him to lead a happy life, I wonder what choices I could have made in the previous 16 years that might have changed the path, and prevented us from getting to this point. I could drive myself crazy thinking about that I suppose. How can you love someone so much - and have them feel so unloved and angry?

His letters today were to his sister and a one liner to his father. The letter to his father was to fulfill his therapist's stipulation that in order for us to send him the guitar we bought him, he needed to ask his father directly. The communication was not much, but it's a start, I think.

Day 19

The last of the purchases I needed to make for him arrived at the facility today--it's interesting because it means that I can't buy him anything else. No books, no CDs, no magazines, no video games, no cookies, no root beer...all the little things I did on a daily basis - even when he was away at camp before, I was able to do nurturing-mother-type-things. In sending him away, I not only sent him away...but a part of myself is gone as well.

Day18

I got a letter today that included a note he wanted me to pass on to his bandmates. His therapist continues to be adamant that no communications can be passed. This is one of the things he needs to accept that he has no control over before he can progress. It's incredibly difficult for me to surrender control as well, allowing the therapist to call the shots.

Day 17

The psychiatric nurse at the facility called me today. to let me know the results of the psychiatrist's meeting with our son. The "med clinic" was held last night, and , as expected the psychiatrist met with him to determine if he was clinically depressed. The results were unambiguous...on the 50 question depression scale, most of his answers reflected "marked" or "severe" depression symptoms. The interesting thing was that under Maine state law, we need to consent, but the decision on whether or not to take an antidepressant is his. He needs to consent, and can withdraw consent at any time.

So, as he had decided he wanted to give it a try, she was calling to ask me for my consent. Which after a long discussion, I gave. He'll be starting on 10 mg of Prozac on Tuesday morning, and if it's effective, will probably take it for 12-18 months.

Day 16

We got another website update today. The outdoor chores have focused mostly on winter clean-up - not surprising after the winter we had this year. The education director positively raved about his school work, citing a "very haunting personal essay on experiences with intolerance and discrimination" that he wrote after reading To Be a Slave by Julius Lester. He's begun Algebra 2, and is doing very well.

The therapist reports that he seems "almost excited" about meeting the the psychiatrist next week and starting on anti-depressant therapy. I guess he's had a change of heart, as in his letter to his sister last week he wrote that he thought taking medication for depression would be "like giving up." He's reportedly working hard, pleasant with both staff and peers, and is being cooperative.

The big negatives are his anger towards us, reflected in his refusal to write the letter home that they are required to contribute to the website, and his continuance to blame us for his situation. We're only two weeks, in, though--so I'm not sure if this is about where we should be or not.

Day 15

It's been two weeks I'm not sure how he's doing, but I'm still trying to find my way. The facility had offered to match me with a parent that I could talk to, so I finally asked for one today. She was very nice, but her son's experience was nothing like ours. The big issue I wanted to talk about - the "hate mail" - and how to respond - was foreign to her. Her son had got willingly, and she had driven him up. She had received no nasty letters. I guess we'll need to use some of the therapy time Monday to explore how best to respond. I've been paralyzed since receiving that last letter; I really don't want to say the wrong thing, so I guess its better to say nothing for now.