Day 28

4 weeks ago tonight, we started this process in motion. An eternity, but yesterday... II have a large pile of letters that are angry, sad and confused. If I read them sequentially, I see them becoming increasingly rational, but still very upset. The glimmers of hope I saw last week have disappeared...and I wonder if the fact that he was not being promoted to level 2 in time for Parent's Weekend have "deflated his sails" and set him back? If so, it confirms that he wasn't ready, as learning how to deal with frustration is one of the key tasks he has ahead of him.

Day 27

We have a meeting with his school tomorrow to review his IEP. It would be nice to get them to support this placement, but that would be hoping for too much, I think. I haven't talked to his counselor since the conversation where she called our actions barbaric, so it will be interesting to see their position.

Day 26

Despite the progress, he is not ready for us to attend Parent's Weekend next weekend. While I am extremely disappointed, I am wiling to trust the facility, as the stakes are so high. Rushing things could cause a setback that could ultimately extend the entire process, so I'll be patient-- not my strong suit.

The other big issue today is a disagreement my husband and I are having. Back at the beginning of this, I had planned on writing every day. My husband felt that once a week was fine--and was concerned that if I wrote every day, and he only wrote once a week, it would emphasize the imbalance in the relationship we each had with our son. With the help of our son's therapist, we compromised on me writing every other day--which is tough for me, but I have respected the arrangement.

In his past several letters, he's asked me to please write every day, as it makes him sad to have a day without mail. My husband has said "no way." I'll bring this up again on Monday with the therapist...but it's really tough for me. The positive communications to date have just been to me. The letters to my husband, while they don't useful offensive language, and are carefully worded, have been painful lists of ways he thinks his father has failed him...which my husband is not taking well at all. Hence, he has no desire to write to him more than once a week.

Day 25: First Breakthrough

Here's the letter I received today:

"I am feeling a lot better today...I think you'll notice a drastic change in the letters. I slept horrible last night but somehow today I feel great. We ran this morning and it was the best run so far. I was tired but somewhere I had something extra in me...I was tired but something was different. Whether it's my body or my mind, something is different. Will write soon. Have to go to breakfast."

And for the first time, he signed it "Love".

Day 24 - Mothers Day

Happy Mother's day to me. His letter this week mentioned that he was supposed to make me a Mother's Day card, but had refused because he didn't love me or appreciate me. At the same time, his letter went on for 8 pages about sad and depressed he was...and who did he choose to share those feelings with? Me, the safe target for his feelings of anger and rage. Some people may say that "He'll appreciate what you did later." But it really doesn't matter if he does or not. If the program works, and he comes out of it a young adult ready to go on to have a happy well integrated life, then it really doesn't matter whether he ever "appreciates" me or not. The greatest give I will get...is seeing him okay. So, here's to Mother's day 2010-- whatever it brings!

Day 23

Another very angry letter today. After the long letter a few days ago with glimmers of hope, I received the most hate filled note yet today, the day before Mother's Day. As usual, it was addressed just to me...the safe target. Lots of anger for sending him away "You brought me into this world, and you need to deal with me." More profanity than I am comfortable repeating in public. And lots of statements about how I will never see him again when he has a choice. "This is an individual program so I would appreciate if if you make growing a relationship with you not one of the things I work on. If that's the case I will be here for a very long time and waste your money." And many other statements of a similar nature. I know that he is wounded and in pain, and lashing out - as that's the only way he knows to cope. I know that in my head - but today, I cry again.

Day 22

We were officially notified today that he is not ready for a family visit yet, so we will not be able to attend Family Weekend next week. I'm disappointed, but not surprised, as they had told us that its usually 4-6 weeks before they are ready to begin family therapy - so I'll see him at the end of July. His therapist also said that he was going to begin EAGALA (Equine Assisted Growth and Learning)next week, in hopes that working with horses would help him. I look forward to learning more about that as it progresses. It was explained that horses are incredibly in tune with emotions, and that in order to get the horse to do certain tasks, the student needs to be able to manage their emotions.