Day 73

I just realized that it's less than a month until parent's weekend...where I actually get to SEE him. I should start counting down as well as up! Today is T-27!

Day 72

Nice picture and updates on the web today. He had a choice to make in school--and he took the harder path which will be better in the long run.

Day 71

Wow-- its been almost 10 weeks. I still haven't tackled his room yet, aside from going in and removing the health hazard type stuff I did in the beginning. I'm pretty sure I can go in there without crying now- so hopefully I'll get to that soon.

Day 70

He was brought back up to Level 2 this afternoon. I received a letter from him earlier today that had two parts-- one was hysterical ranting written right after he was demoted- the second was a more reasonable analysis the next morning...interesting that by the time I got the letter from him, the crisis was over.

Day 69

We finally got the refinancing done to pay for this - which is a relief. It's as if we're paying a few extra years of college tuition...but it is probably the best investment we could make in trying to make sure he has a future.

Day 68

Nice letter today where he obsesses about how much he is overthinking and obsessing about things- since I am also an overthinker, watching him struggle with this is forcing me to realize that this is an issue I need to deal with as well.

Day 67

It was tough not talking to him today, but it did give us an opportunity to go over some things with his therapist...hopefully he'll be back to level 2 soon so we can talk to him next week. I guess this type of "slip up" is part of the two steps forward, one step back routine.

Day 66

Bad news today- he got bumped back down to level 1 yesterday, so we don't get to see him tomorrow. The issue was inappropriate language, so hopefully he'll be moved back up soon.

Day 65

It's getting tougher to explain what's going on with him to friends. The issue is that some people are still treating me as if this is a tragedy...and I've actually moved on to thinking that this is a really good thing. I miss him- every day...but as always, when you see your children grow and develop, you feel an incredible sense of pride. I look at how well he's doing, and am absolutely SO PROUD of him...I am confident that when he emerges on the other side, the life that he will be beginning will be so much richer than if he hadn't experienced this.

Day 64

Articles of his clothing keep turning up in the wash...and I wonder how much he will have changed physically by the time he gets home-- and if they'll even fit...

Day 63

So, if its 6 months, we're a third of the way there-- if its 8 months, we're 25% of the way there. I think he's probably made more progress than we have - as he's living therapy 24/7. Every action he takes is analyzed and challenged-- whereas we just coast in our own little world. Hopefully we'll get started with our therapy soon- as time is passing quickly.

Day 62

I got a checking in call from the mother of his friend that had been through the same program, arriving home about 6 weeks before we sent him. It's reassuring to hear that everything is "sticking" and that her son is still doing really well.

Day 61

If you had told me two months ago that he would be getting A's in school, was being recognized as a leader among his peers, and was thinking about which friends would be healthy for him to have and which wouldn't...I would have thought it would take a miracle. There's still along way left to solidify these gains, have him truly believe in himself, and hopefully have dreams and aspirations that will form a full life...but we are finally on our way.

Day 60

60 days- I slipped when talking to him this am, and said 59...he reminded me it was 60...and when I logged on tonight I saw that he was right. We had a great conversation today as part of family therapy...covering friends he'd decided he'd had to let you, his sadness that some of the things he cared about might not b ethere when he got back...is focus on the future is still fairly narrow. He is fixated on getting back with his band-- and hoping that they will join him in his drug free life. He asked me to cal them, and let them know it was better "on the other side". While that may work out - it may not, and I'm concerned about building up his resources to be able to deal with what may be crushing disappointment.

Day 59

I drove within 30 miles of where he is today- that was tough...knowing he's so close I can't see him. But my husband got a great letter from him today-- great not meaning all touchy-feely...but a nice newsy, civil letter. Its been almost two months- but there has been so much progress!

Day 58

I'm really looking forward to the Saturday web updates-- this one was all good-- no cautions at all-- he's developing leadership skills, relating well to peers, working hard, and doing well in school. Today's pictures showed him with an alpaca, and doing yoga. His letter home expressed hope that we could go out for lobster and steamers during parent weekend in July.

Day 57

Letter today. In it he states that he's feeling very "alone" in this process, and that he feels that there is no one he can count on. While that may be sad, I think it's important-- because actually we are all alone...ultimately...and being able to face that...and be ok with it, is probably a key part of the process.

Day 56

Still no letters this week. That's not good, as he's required to write two a week to stay on track - so it means that Monday's session upset him enough that he's shut down? Or could he just be too busy to write? I guess I'll see what's in the mailbox tomorrow.

Day 55

He filled my dreams last night. The plot was basic- he'd stolen a car and driven home. ( A green pick-up for those who are into details)...and I needed to bring him back - which was harder than sending him in the first place.

Day 54

Well, while the emotional and psychological issues are a roller coaster, academics continue to be nothing but stellar. He's completed the first quarter of honors Algebra 2-- and has received nothing less than an A. At this rate, he'll have completed the course by the end of August. He's 2/3 of the way through the first quarter of Chemistry- also straight A's...and 1/3 of the way through English, again with straight A's.

Day 53

I walked through at the end of the session he and his father ad today. He was wiping away tears, and my husband was irritated. It didn't look too great-- but at least feelings were being felt, if I need to search deeply for a glimmer of hope.

Day 52

Another major family event without him...I guess I should be glad I still feel the whole in my heart- it is not normal to celebrate major milestones without him. Tomorrow am the family therapy is "solo" with him and his father...I hope it goes well.

Day 51

Today's weekly report showed him with his arm around a llama...neither he nor the llama looked happy.

Day 50

We received his formal "treatment plan" today, detailing what precisely was going to be worked on. There was nothing surprising except the anticipate completion date: December 20, 2009...a long way away.

Day 49

I received another dark letter today. His therapist says that this is his way of dealing with stress- he's falling back on the old patterns he used to get me to respond to him. He told me that I should respond with a short note that told him not to write letters like that to me any more. Yikes! That was tough for me to deal with, but I did manage to craft one that I think struck a balance between his advice and my feelings.

"I received your letter today. While I want to make sure you know that you can always be open with me - and I want to know how you are truly feeling - the journal entry you enclosed was pretty dark and dramatic. I realize that this is hard work, but dwelling on your misery is not helpful...it reinforces old ways of thinking. So, while I want to be available to you when you are sad, I would also like to hear about some of things you're proud of - I hear 3rd hand about the respect you've earned and how well you're doing in some many aspects of the program...but would like to hear it from you. It would be helpful for you to verbalize some of those accomplishments; maybe writing them down would help you realize how amazing you are."

Day 48

Have I described this as a roller coaster? Advance-retreat-up-then down. I got a letter today that he wrote an hour before the family therapy session on Monday. In it he describes how depressed he is, how much he doesn't want to do the call, and how pathetic he is...and there's a large drawing of the words "you f-ing HATE ME" on the back. I'm pretty sure that this was because of the stress level he had about the call--but it does indicate how far we have to go.

Day 47

I haven't received a letter from him in 10 days. He's required to write 2 a week, and his letters this week went to his sister and father--brief newsy type letters. This is a good thing, I think. His letters to me were intense and emotional--and the fact that he doesn't NEED that anymore is a good thing.

Day 46

It was great to see him today! He seemed really nervous during the call; the therapist did most of the talking. It was fairly casual without a lot of serious talk. The one time I got teary was when we were discussing the "rules" for parent weekend...he said that the clinical director had said that one of the most important rules was not to ask your parents to take you home because "when the sent you here it ripped a hole in their heart--and having you ask them to take you home would rip it wide open again."