Day 45

Tomorrow's the big day - our first family therapy call. Hopefully I have Skype set up correctly for a video call.

Day 44

Well, I cried today, but they were tears of joy. The weekly report always includes pictures--but I've never been happy with how he looked--they never looked "right" to me. Well today's included a photo of him right after he's heard he was promoted to level 2. He's in the kitchen, holding a pan of muffins he's just baked--grinning ear to ear. I can't remember the last time he looked so happy--it has literally been years.

I know we all have a lot of hard work ahead of us--but it will be worth it in the end.

Day 43

He wrote a letter to his father today--very mature and reasonable. No ranting, just a statement that he couldn't say what he wants to in a letter, so he'd wait to talk about those things until we have our family therapy call. he then proceeded to give a nice newsy update on what he'd been doing--a run down of the day.

I am beginning to be very hopeful.

Day 42: Level 2

He was promoted to Level 2 today!

Day 41

Another day without a letter...hopefully this means that he needs me less for venting--and is processing things on his own by journaling...or just needs to vent less. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the treatment team feels he's ready for level 2 when they meet tomorrow afternoon.

Day 40

I spent a fair amount of time today dealing with medical issues--getting a refill for his inhaler--arranging for pain relief for his wisdom teeth--they actually need an order from his pediatrician for him to get ibuprofen. I also began the process of sorting out how he'll have his wisdom teeth out up there, if it winds up being necessary.

Day 39

His therapist says that he's very close to being moved to level 2--perhaps as soon as this week. When that happens we'll be able to have video calls--where I can actually see him!

Interesting that the timing aligns fairly closely with the biblical "40 days"...this has been our 40 days in the wilderness, where we face our demons. But, its not yet the beginning of the end - just the end of the beginning. This is a cyclical process, with progress followed by retreat, and I must steel myself for that. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that next Monday will be a "family" call!

Day 38

I think that we've definitely turned a corner. Although his latest letter was filled with depressing statements--about how he and his life was "pathetic", he's definitely taking ownership of some of the bad choices he's made, and showing some insights as well. Were just talking baby steps--but they are definitely baby steps in the right direction.

Day 37

Great letter home today! In it he says that he's feeling better and is settling in--and it's signed with "Love". It does mention the wisdom teeth issue though, so hopefully we'll be able to figure out how to deal with that.

Day 36

Its been five weeks, and in that time he's begun to take some responsibility for his behavior, and I've begun to question all types of decisions I made over the past 16 years. His therapist said that we shouldn't beat ourselves up-that we were parenting a special child with special needs...but I know that I made choices that helped get us to this point, and I need to come to grips with that, accept that I can't change the past...and move forward.

Day 35

You would think that by this point, it would get easier-- the missing him--but it doesn't...there are numerable times each day when I want to call or text him something, and I can't.

Day 34

The nurse called today. It seems he's been having a lot of pain from his wisdom teeth, and she needed to get some forms completed to give him ibuprofen. That wasn't a big issue--but the wisdom teeth might be. The original plan was for him to have them out this summer--but that will be difficult under his current circumstances. She said it has been done occasionally, but they need to be at Level 3, so they can leave the facility...that could be 2-3 months away. Hopefully the pain will abate, and we can buy some time.

Day 33

I dreamed about him last night--the dream was about us seeing him on parent weekend...very much in tune with the reality of where he is now, rather than memories of the past, or hopes for the future. i guess i needed to see him so badly, that since we weren't allowed to see him on parent's weekend, my subconscious took me there.

Day 32

News from the therapist today was that he'd "stalled", and is too quick to get irritated by other kids. He said they felt that he needed to be able to let the small stuff go before being moved up to level 2. He's probably getting discouraged-- as patience is not his strong suit. I haven't had any luck getting books approved for him yet - the list I sent was deemed more appropriate for level 3. So back to the drawing board.

Day 31

Nice update on the webpage today. There's photo of him playing football, and a really nice one of him working on Algebra 2. (That probably says something about my geekness that I get all excited about seeing a picture of him working on Algebra 2.) His "letter home" on the site, said that he thought he'd be moving up to the next level soon- but didn't want to be overconfident. He also said that he's heard the new X-men movie was great, and would want it on DVD when he got home. News like that from the outside world must mean that a new resident has arrived.

Day 30

Back on Day 16 I mentioned that the school's director was impressed by a "haunting personal essay" he wrote about personal experiences with racism. I asked if I could see a copy, which was forwarded to me on the QT, as I guess these usually aren't shared. Well, I was perplexed when I read it, as it describes, in detail, his standing by not intervening as a classmate beat another in 6th grade, the white boy pounding the black boy's head against the wall during recess, and leaving him unconscious. My son went on to describe how horrible he felt about not trying to stop it. Pretty heavy stuff...but I'm almost 100% sure it never happened. So, is he conning them? Was this piece of creative writing just a way to avoid him actually recounting how he felt when he was stereotyped for his long hair and pierced lip? Or, could it be that the story merely used alter egos to project the feelings he had about being bullied in middle school? Since I'm not supposed to have seen it-- do I ignore it? Or do I mention it to his therapist in our Monday call?

Day 29

Well today is parent's weekend-- and we are not there. This has been tough for me, but is probably worse for him as he watches the other families show up. Now, I'm sure that not all of these family reunifications are sweetness and light..and we are not their for a reason. But still, it's tough.

Day 28

4 weeks ago tonight, we started this process in motion. An eternity, but yesterday... II have a large pile of letters that are angry, sad and confused. If I read them sequentially, I see them becoming increasingly rational, but still very upset. The glimmers of hope I saw last week have disappeared...and I wonder if the fact that he was not being promoted to level 2 in time for Parent's Weekend have "deflated his sails" and set him back? If so, it confirms that he wasn't ready, as learning how to deal with frustration is one of the key tasks he has ahead of him.

Day 27

We have a meeting with his school tomorrow to review his IEP. It would be nice to get them to support this placement, but that would be hoping for too much, I think. I haven't talked to his counselor since the conversation where she called our actions barbaric, so it will be interesting to see their position.

Day 26

Despite the progress, he is not ready for us to attend Parent's Weekend next weekend. While I am extremely disappointed, I am wiling to trust the facility, as the stakes are so high. Rushing things could cause a setback that could ultimately extend the entire process, so I'll be patient-- not my strong suit.

The other big issue today is a disagreement my husband and I are having. Back at the beginning of this, I had planned on writing every day. My husband felt that once a week was fine--and was concerned that if I wrote every day, and he only wrote once a week, it would emphasize the imbalance in the relationship we each had with our son. With the help of our son's therapist, we compromised on me writing every other day--which is tough for me, but I have respected the arrangement.

In his past several letters, he's asked me to please write every day, as it makes him sad to have a day without mail. My husband has said "no way." I'll bring this up again on Monday with the therapist...but it's really tough for me. The positive communications to date have just been to me. The letters to my husband, while they don't useful offensive language, and are carefully worded, have been painful lists of ways he thinks his father has failed him...which my husband is not taking well at all. Hence, he has no desire to write to him more than once a week.

Day 25: First Breakthrough

Here's the letter I received today:

"I am feeling a lot better today...I think you'll notice a drastic change in the letters. I slept horrible last night but somehow today I feel great. We ran this morning and it was the best run so far. I was tired but somewhere I had something extra in me...I was tired but something was different. Whether it's my body or my mind, something is different. Will write soon. Have to go to breakfast."

And for the first time, he signed it "Love".

Day 24 - Mothers Day

Happy Mother's day to me. His letter this week mentioned that he was supposed to make me a Mother's Day card, but had refused because he didn't love me or appreciate me. At the same time, his letter went on for 8 pages about sad and depressed he was...and who did he choose to share those feelings with? Me, the safe target for his feelings of anger and rage. Some people may say that "He'll appreciate what you did later." But it really doesn't matter if he does or not. If the program works, and he comes out of it a young adult ready to go on to have a happy well integrated life, then it really doesn't matter whether he ever "appreciates" me or not. The greatest give I will get...is seeing him okay. So, here's to Mother's day 2010-- whatever it brings!

Day 23

Another very angry letter today. After the long letter a few days ago with glimmers of hope, I received the most hate filled note yet today, the day before Mother's Day. As usual, it was addressed just to me...the safe target. Lots of anger for sending him away "You brought me into this world, and you need to deal with me." More profanity than I am comfortable repeating in public. And lots of statements about how I will never see him again when he has a choice. "This is an individual program so I would appreciate if if you make growing a relationship with you not one of the things I work on. If that's the case I will be here for a very long time and waste your money." And many other statements of a similar nature. I know that he is wounded and in pain, and lashing out - as that's the only way he knows to cope. I know that in my head - but today, I cry again.

Day 22

We were officially notified today that he is not ready for a family visit yet, so we will not be able to attend Family Weekend next week. I'm disappointed, but not surprised, as they had told us that its usually 4-6 weeks before they are ready to begin family therapy - so I'll see him at the end of July. His therapist also said that he was going to begin EAGALA (Equine Assisted Growth and Learning)next week, in hopes that working with horses would help him. I look forward to learning more about that as it progresses. It was explained that horses are incredibly in tune with emotions, and that in order to get the horse to do certain tasks, the student needs to be able to manage their emotions.

Day 21

In 6 hours, it will be three weeks since we set the wheels of this journey in motion. I got a longer letter today, which started out with "hate mail", but then moved on to 8 pages that ranged over a wide ground. He described how depressed and miserable he is, and how he feels that the facility is only making it worse, calling it "fueled depression"...he opened up about things he'd denied in the past, such as his recent drug dealing and small thefts from his father's wallet...he described a suicide attempt he made in 6th grade, when he took a "handful" of Tylenol and was surprised when he woke up feeling awful instead of being dead.

It was a generally a very hopeless letter, but it did contain glimmers of him beginning to take some responsibility for his actions.

He also sent a letter to his father today, detailing all the ways he felt that his father has failed him. While not profane or vitriolic, it was extremely painful to read. Hopefully it will be the beginning of their rebuilding their relationship. At the end of that letter, he asked his father to ask me to send books. That's tough, as his reading material is restricted to classics and self-help books, and his tastes run to Steven King. He specifically requested the Dexter books, which I think are definitely off limits, as I'm pretty sure that books about serial killers won't pass their test. So-- a question to anyone who may be reading this. Any suggestions for "clean" books that a 16 year old boy might enjoy?

Day 20

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about whether or not this was inevitable. While I'm convinced that having reached this point, sending him away was our best chance of helping him to lead a happy life, I wonder what choices I could have made in the previous 16 years that might have changed the path, and prevented us from getting to this point. I could drive myself crazy thinking about that I suppose. How can you love someone so much - and have them feel so unloved and angry?

His letters today were to his sister and a one liner to his father. The letter to his father was to fulfill his therapist's stipulation that in order for us to send him the guitar we bought him, he needed to ask his father directly. The communication was not much, but it's a start, I think.

Day 19

The last of the purchases I needed to make for him arrived at the facility today--it's interesting because it means that I can't buy him anything else. No books, no CDs, no magazines, no video games, no cookies, no root beer...all the little things I did on a daily basis - even when he was away at camp before, I was able to do nurturing-mother-type-things. In sending him away, I not only sent him away...but a part of myself is gone as well.

Day18

I got a letter today that included a note he wanted me to pass on to his bandmates. His therapist continues to be adamant that no communications can be passed. This is one of the things he needs to accept that he has no control over before he can progress. It's incredibly difficult for me to surrender control as well, allowing the therapist to call the shots.

Day 17

The psychiatric nurse at the facility called me today. to let me know the results of the psychiatrist's meeting with our son. The "med clinic" was held last night, and , as expected the psychiatrist met with him to determine if he was clinically depressed. The results were unambiguous...on the 50 question depression scale, most of his answers reflected "marked" or "severe" depression symptoms. The interesting thing was that under Maine state law, we need to consent, but the decision on whether or not to take an antidepressant is his. He needs to consent, and can withdraw consent at any time.

So, as he had decided he wanted to give it a try, she was calling to ask me for my consent. Which after a long discussion, I gave. He'll be starting on 10 mg of Prozac on Tuesday morning, and if it's effective, will probably take it for 12-18 months.

Day 16

We got another website update today. The outdoor chores have focused mostly on winter clean-up - not surprising after the winter we had this year. The education director positively raved about his school work, citing a "very haunting personal essay on experiences with intolerance and discrimination" that he wrote after reading To Be a Slave by Julius Lester. He's begun Algebra 2, and is doing very well.

The therapist reports that he seems "almost excited" about meeting the the psychiatrist next week and starting on anti-depressant therapy. I guess he's had a change of heart, as in his letter to his sister last week he wrote that he thought taking medication for depression would be "like giving up." He's reportedly working hard, pleasant with both staff and peers, and is being cooperative.

The big negatives are his anger towards us, reflected in his refusal to write the letter home that they are required to contribute to the website, and his continuance to blame us for his situation. We're only two weeks, in, though--so I'm not sure if this is about where we should be or not.

Day 15

It's been two weeks I'm not sure how he's doing, but I'm still trying to find my way. The facility had offered to match me with a parent that I could talk to, so I finally asked for one today. She was very nice, but her son's experience was nothing like ours. The big issue I wanted to talk about - the "hate mail" - and how to respond - was foreign to her. Her son had got willingly, and she had driven him up. She had received no nasty letters. I guess we'll need to use some of the therapy time Monday to explore how best to respond. I've been paralyzed since receiving that last letter; I really don't want to say the wrong thing, so I guess its better to say nothing for now.