The house is quiet. No ''Call of Duty'', no Slipknot, no boy-noises...just an unanswered cellphone that seems to be buzzing constantly...a reminder of the fact that my son did have a life with friends who, whatever they were involved in, care about him and wonder where he went. Most of the names I know, but there are a fair number of strange names, and phone numbers without a name assigned. Are these innocent numbers--or evidence of the dark life that led us to make this drastic choice?
I talk to a friend of a friend who says when her son was taken, she hid all the baby pictures, as looking at his smiling-toddler-face made her cry. She reassured me that they are "all back now"...but it took several years and multiple placements for things to work out for them. The thought that this may be the beginning of a several year process terrifies me.
My son's therapist calls from the facility, to reassure me that he's doing okay, ate breakfast, and is continuing with his writing assignments. I get a second call after dinner from another staff member, reassuring me that he's eating, and finishing up his writing. Its cool in Maine this evening, so he's made himself a fire, and is sitting by it finishing up his assignments. They expect him to be ready to join the community tomorrow. Is that good news? I guess we're on track with the "normal" progression of the program.
I've sent off two letters so far-- both full of inane details about things that are irrelevant to what he's going through...I know he hates me now...and I wonder if I've severed that mother-child bond finally and irrevocably.
I alternately cry, and feel numb.
Entering his room I find marijuana and a scale. Does this mean we acted too late? Or just in time?
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Oh, honey. He doesn't hate you. He's just lost right now. He doesn't know which way is up and he really doesn't know his emotions. Believe me, things will get better for you both. Yes, it may take several years, but believe me, things will work out, sometimes for the better. I'm proof of that. Had I not gone through the hardships that I did, I would not be the person that I am today. As much as the dark time in my life sucked, it has made me a stronger and more grounded person. I appreciate things more. I love life more. So there's a part of me, a very big part, in fact, that is thankful I went through it.
ReplyDeleteOne piece of advice that my psychiatrist told my dad and mom was at some point you do have to take a step back from the situation. Maybe that time is now. While he's in getting help, you can still think about him, love him and write to him, but still focus on other things as well, like your daughter or marriage. Believe me, I saw what my behavior did to the bond between my parents and I feel horrible that it happened. I don't want to see other parents go through that.
Stay strong and focus on the good times that you remember. They will help you get through the tough times ahead. And remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
*HUGS*
Hey sweetie :)
ReplyDeleteNicole is totally right. I watched what my brother's "dark time" did to my parents as well.
Once the initial shock of the lack of his presence and the loudness of the quiet wears off... focus on you and decide what YOU want for the next few years. Your son is going to be growing and learning about himself and how to live in a healthy way. You need to do the same for you.
I really do know how you feel. I've seen the look of complete hatred. I've had my children not speak to me for extended periods of time. And it hurts. So... absorb the hurt for a few days... get over the initial shock... and then take a deep breath and start picking up the pieces.
More than anything I hope this works for your son... but regardless of him... you have a life with value that deserves to be lived fully... two other children who need their mom too... and a husband who probably feels as helpless, displaced and lost as you do... but is just walling it up like men do.
You know that I'm here if you need anything - so don't be afraid to pick up that phone.
Hugs :)