They arrived promptly at 4 am. Two tall young men who were to escort my unwilling son into his new world--ripping him away from all he had wrapped around himself for comfort.
My husband and I had spent a restless few hours tossing and turning, not really sleeping, as we anticipated their arrival. At 3:52 we were standing in the cold in our driveway, each looking at our part of the speech that our son's therapist had helped us craft earlier in the morning--the words we'd use to explain to him why we were sending him off with strangers in the middle of the night.
The woman we had booked the transport with had assured us that she was sending her "A Team", who would be able to get our son to accompany them without resorting to physical force. The two men who appeared were tall, likeable, and young. We gave them envelopes with paperwork for the facility and the transport agency, and another smaller envelope containing letters we'd written to be given to our son while they were on the road. We explained the layout of our house, and brought them inside.
Our son was sleeping, but woke immediately when we walked in. I gently touched his head, and told him that I loved him, and because of our concerns for his health and safety,and his refusal to get help, we felt we had no choice but to send him to a program that would help him get well. My husband introduced the escorts, and we left the room.
We'd been advised to leave the house, but were concerned that our 18 year old daughter would wake up while this was going on, so we chose to sit in the dark living room downstairs while the escorts convinced our son to go with them. We sat apart, not touching, each lost in our own world of grief. I wept silently while listening to my son plead with them not to "rip me away from my life", "please let me talk to my parents", "why would they do this to me?", and "I'm getting myself together...things are going well...I'm exercising, I have a girlfriend...I've quit smoking...please don't do this."
I have never done anything harder in my life. The school guidance counselor, who has tried valiantly to help our son over the past two years had called what we were contemplating doing "barbaric"...and as I listened to him cry, I felt that she may have been right.
We listened to him progress through anger, denial, and negotiation...all the while the escorts stayed calm, but firm, got him up, down the stairs and out the front door. It seemed like an eternity, but probably only took about 10 minutes.
This was either the most courageous, or the most horrendous, thing I have ever done in my entire life.
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My brother was incredibly troubled. My parents had no idea what to do, so instead of getting him help, they let him go. I think she regrets it to this day. Like you mentioned in this post, she did not want to be the cause of his suffering, even though through many of his actions he was making our entire family suffer. I am sure you are hurting so much more than words can express right now. It is not an easy choice, doing what you had to do. He may not understand for a long time, but I hope that this experience will heal your family and bring you all closer together in the end. Know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending all of the healing energy I have inside to you and your family during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that you made the right decision.
ReplyDeleteI've been the troubled teen. I remember all too well the feelings I dealt with on a day-to-day basis. I remember every day being a struggle. One day, I would feel like I was doing better. The next day, I wouldn't. It was a constant struggle to get through.
What helped me was my parents. Although I wasn't as bad off as your son, my parents still did all that they could to help me.
I don't agree with what the counselor said. You didn't make a "barbaric" choice. Has this person ever watched shows like Intervention? Has she ever had a child of his or her own that is struggling? If she's had two years, and accomplished nothing, then you, as your son's parents, need to do what you know and feel is right. Don't second guess the decision that you made.
I'm keeping your entire family in my thoughts. Know that you aren't alone in your struggles. Know that there are people that can relate and that you can lean on through this. Remember that everything you're doing, you do out of love, not spite.
You are a great mom and don't forget that.
You and I have talked at length about my brother and "stepson" Susan... so you know how I feel... but I just wanted to say that while I understand that the school counselor feels that she is advocating for your son... that her statements were completely self indulgent and not in his best interests at ALL.
ReplyDeleteI know how you have agonized over every detail with him for almost two years now... and am positive that that is an extension of the time prior... everything you've done is out of love for your children. You've made what you feel is the best decision for his health and safety - and that's all you can do.
Your son has been given the tools - and will be taught how to use them.
I know how easy it is to feel guilty... all those little "vignettes" that pop up at the most inconvenient times serve as constant reminders of those things we beat ourselves up about from the moment of their births.
But this decision was about moving forward... the future not only of your son but that of yourself, your girls and your husband. It's gonna take some time... but all of you will grow through this process.
Give yourself time to start healing.
I know you're a busy lady... this journalling is probably a big help... but have you considered taking 10-20 mins to meditate too? That has always helped me to feel a bit more peaceful throughout the worst of my life's circumstances... Just a thought?
Hugs :)